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Ecumenical Poop

March 8, 2014

The other day I overheard a woman say that since her husband works for the UAW they only buy Made in America. That is a wonderful sentiment, but on par with a belief in Santa Claus – magic on the surface, impossible upon rational reflection.

Ignoring the larger industries, let’s cover our most basic need beside water – food. I doubt Mrs. UAW takes that into account in her Made in America shopping agenda. Even if her family sticks to a regimented diet, one in which she spends hours at the grocery store scanning the shelves for the foodstuffs grown and raised upon our soil, they could never dine out – even fast food.

Like as not, we live in a world-wide (ecumenical) economy. Without a complete collapse of the comforts we enjoy that cannot change. A good portion of the foods you ingest coffee, tea, produce, and more are imported. Just like the pieces that go into making a UAW automobile. So, though you may release your bowels in the good old USA, even your poop is made up of imports.

~Nick Shamhart

Posted by  |  March 8, 2014 | Categories: All | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Devil Invented Dinosaurs! Look at Barney!

March 6, 2014

I have cultivated a vast reserve of patience for children over the years. Daily I clean up vomit, feces, urine, and more. I have held my daughter as she screams and thrashes, caught in the throes of her malady. I’ve restrained her for blood draws, injections, and scans. I’ve willingly played manservant, chauffeur, chef, defender,  and advocate. I’ve swum in nearly cryogenicly cold water to suit my children’s whims. The list seems endless…but, I learned today that there is one thing that I have no patience for – Barney the Dinosaur.

There is something indefinable about that dopey voice and awful music that makes my calm snap. The very sight or sound of Barney and his saurian cohorts shatters my genetic code, sending a rational man of the twenty first century back to some distant neolithic past. I have a pervasive need to grab a large stick and bludgeon that hulking, can’t do a push-up freak, into an unrecognizable pile of purple and green foam. All the while bellowing a troglodytic litany of such profanity that it would destroy the eardrums of nuns and cause entire flocks of  doves to plummet from the sky with blood weeping from their eyes. Adorable unborn baby bunny rabbits would strangle themselves upon their own umbilici at the monstrous invective that would pour from my throat…..

…..Ah fuck it….Which states has marijuana been legalized in again?

~Nick Shamhart

Posted by  |  March 6, 2014 | Categories: All | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Worse Than a Cup of Hot Coffee on Your Crotch!

March 5, 2014

People will argue that the world has morally deteriorated. Yet others will say it has not, and that it is our in-your-face cameras everywhere media approach that makes it seem that way.

It is difficult for me to maintain my outsider’s perspective on the case of Rachel Canning (the NJ teen who is suing her parents to pay for her college). What avaricious sense of juvenile entitlement do this woman and her lawyer harbor? I am unsure who is worse, the woman for her pampered, spoiled, Veruca Salt-like persona…or, her lawyer for even taking the case.

Do me a favor, would you? Take a minute today and send your parents an email, text, or call them and just say, “Thanks.” Once you’re an adult they don’t owe you shit, boys and girls. That’s part of growing up. Welcome to reality – nobody owes you a damn thing.

I never thought I’d see the case that made the McDonald’s hot coffee lawsuit seem reasonable.

~Nick Shamhart

Posted by  |  March 5, 2014 | Categories: All | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Today’s Hero was Brought to You by Progressive

March 4, 2014

It would be nice if I could believe in heroes and villains. If I could adopt that worldview it would simplify so much. I would love to watch the news and know who was the bad guy and who was the good guy. But, those roles seem to vary from source to source. Who should I believe? The news source whose commercial products I use most often? After all they are the ones sponsoring the news. The heroes and villains each source shows me only exist, to my knowledge, because those sponsors paid for it. Despite my most alcohol-soaked, sociopathic delusions of grandeur, I am not the center of the universe – so how else am I to know what the wider world is up to if not for the news? Odd to think that what can make the difference in a hero or villain depends on insurance, fast food, prescription drugs, automobiles, or toys for my children.

I wonder if monetary greed is a sound measure of a hero or a villain? Does like attract like, or can one villain point to another and become a hero?

~Nick Shamhart

Posted by  |  March 4, 2014 | Categories: All | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hell’s Favorite Paving Stones

March 2, 2014

Historical patterns fascinate me. Take the concept of the cult. If you strip away the layers of propaganda you will find an almost identical framework that is followed by cults active today and those coated in the dust of time. Some injustice occurs and a figure (typically with the best of intentions) rises up from the masses to redress it. But since justice, despite governmental labels, is a matter of morality it can only be a religious concept. Eye for an eye. A kingdom for a kingdom. The roots are philosophical at best. The figure then realizes the wrong that has been righted could be applied to a larger scale. Perhaps more slighted people could benefit from his or her intercession. The more they help, the more they lose sight of the original injustice. Followers, typically the young and vulnerable, find their way to the cult. The larger congregation means more injustice to see to, but, here is the hiccup, the cult leaders soon find themselves in the same position as their rivals, committing injustice in the name of justice to appease such a varied population. Patterns. Are people too sort-lived to avoid repeating them? Or is it destiny? Since it begins with morality is it a divine test to see who will learn … and who will continue down that road of good intentions all the way to its famous destination?

~Nick Shamhart

Posted by  |  March 2, 2014 | Categories: All | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Hey Hollywood! How Much is God’s Cut?

March 1, 2014

It’s no secret that most of Hollywood is morally bankrupt, but is the current influx of Biblical cinema another sign that it is creatively bankrupt as well? Digging up non-copywritten religious material in hopes of a built in audience, plus the added looky-loos who can’t help but slaver at a juicy piece of controversy.

My personal views are always about perspective, mind you. I am not agnostic. I am nothing … but neither am I a nihilist. Whenever there is a two-sided coin toss there needs to be somebody to observe. Someone to cry foul when necessary. Believer or Atheist does not matter to me. What does is when one side overplays their hand and takes advantage of the other.

From old Chuck Heston’s pale-ass Moses in The Ten Commandments to Russel Crow’s equally pasty (yet badass ax-wielding) Noah, and all the others in between … these are stories of belief, morality tales that countless people over the centuries have based their lives, hopes, and dreams upon. So what does Hollywood do? Why, make a tidy profit off of it of course. Duh.

As an observer, I ask, “How much of those profits will go to God?” Please do not scrape together some churlish temerity and argue how could Hollywood give a percentage to God? Look around. Those in need, God’s children, his creations, are hard to miss. Call them His next-of-kin to fit our small minded terminology. His benefactors. Is that not how our legal system operates?

The Bible Copyright © God, (the beginning of time)

~Nick Shamhart

Posted by  |  March 1, 2014 | Categories: All | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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